the mending wall.

I have been thinking about it for a while. Initially it was intriguing, then it just got tiring and now I know I that I might have to face it everyday, so I am slowly learning to ignore it.

I find people very interesting, they have managed to sustain my interest for the past two decades.
When I say people, I am not talking about the ones, that are popular or charming, or the ones who's lives unfold conspicuously, to be watched by the rest of us. I am talking of those, who take great pains, go to great extents, to with-hold their true selves. In the game of hide and seek, the seeker always goes for the hidden person, the game does not end till the latter has been revealed; never mind even if 9 out of ten people have come out in the open; the seeker still pursues the missing one. I think its inherent human nature, to want to know, to dig till you uncover that which has managed to successfully elude you for so long.
But I dig for different reasons - I am not as interested in what it is that is being hidden, as much as why it is being hidden. Does it reflect something about the individual, they are afraid might tarnish their image, is it fear from having to confront demons from the past , is it because they fear that it might present a less-likeable side to their character? (rather what is perceived as their character). I can never say which one of these it is.
But it does tell us that we build our own barriers, doesn't it ? We build those fences, then sit tight and wonder, why no one's getting through. We fear that if we break those fences, no one would be interested in coming through. Then where would that leave us, confirming our biggest fears and insecurities. Instead, we choose to not give anyone a chance, so that even if some one did care enough to make a stop, he/she would see the clear sign, and move on.
I know this for sure, coz I have been there, at one point, I refused to move outside my comfort zone, which included just me, I got away with it, convincing myself that I was happy. I donot exactly remember if I was happy or not, but I can say for sure, that I wasnt confident. Confident that I would be able to get across to people, that I could make some one care for me, like I cared for them. I feared that it might end up a one-way ticket and all I would have left with me were regrets.
But then, I went to this summer camp, and things changed. I met people, who did not seem to care, who constantly moved out of their comfort zones, by that, I mean who constantly made a fool of themselves. Eventually, all that everyone remembered was that it was fun. Those who passed judgments were always those who remained on the by-lanes; never a part of anything.
Now I am a different person. I acknowledge the fact that I like to be liked, that there will always be people who judge you, for what you are and for what you are NOT. No matter what anyone says or thinks, my best judge is me alone, no one knows me better than I do. I might play games with myself, but deep down, I know who I am. I am still learning, to walk like no one's watching, sing like no one's listening, for, the ones that hold up to listen, are the ones you need not worry about. They will always be there ;)
The barrier is still there, though I have managed to give it a good shake, cracking it up. Soon its gonna come crumbling down.. ye baby !
Reminds me of one of my fav poems by robert frost;

"Before I built a wall I'd ask to know
What I was walling in or walling out,
And to whom I was like to give offence.
Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That wants it down.' I could say 'Elves' to him,
But it's not elves exactly, and I'd rather
He said it for himself. I see him there
Bringing a stone grasped firmly by the top
In each hand, like an old-stone savage armed.
He moves in darkness as it seems to me~
Not of woods only and the shade of trees.
He will not go behind his father's saying,
And he likes having thought of it so well
He says again, "Good fences make good neighbors."

sr

science

has science really done as much good as we think it has ? is it as indispensable to our lives, as we perceive it to be ? And no, I donot want to rant about the pros or cons of how science has influenced our lives. I merely look upon it as a tool; a tool that man has made for himself, to keep him occupied, to keep him from getting bored; to put it across bluntly.
But unlike so many of our other hobbies, I wonder if we have something to learn from this one.
I am not talking about the deeper understanding of life or its origins or even its betterment, that science has provided us with. I am thinking of something far more simplistic than that.
Awe.
I cannot think of any better suited word. Even today, when I look up at the sky, and see stars shining, I am in awe. What are the chances that amongst so many planets in the galaxy, one of them supports life, intelligent life. This might sound ridiculous, but I do feel awed when I see greys anatomy, when out of 10 lives that doctors try to save, one of them works out. Ya its fiction, but doesnt this happen in hospitals all over the world. One wing has the dying while the other has people/doctors responding, to even the smallest signs of life returning; the tiniest movement of one finger, the shortest flickering of eye-lids and so on.. And both wings, have their own forms of joy. The dying, leave behind a world of memories, most of which are sadly treasured only after their death. While the return of life, its re-birth, is always applauded, cheered. And yet science has taught us that, death cannot be conquered, delayed yes but not won over. Most importantly, science, has always, been by the side of the questioning mind. In an ocean of darkness, fuelled by ignorance and pseudo-science( as carl sagan puts it), science has always been a beacon guiding those who choose to be guided by it. there is nothing in science, that would make your question look stupid or dumb. All science asks in return for your question, is an infectious curiosity, to know and an undying spirit, to learn and unlearn. Science is the only kind of beauty, that does not lie in the eyes of its beholder. The kind that comes with out a price. The kind that just becomes more and more addictive, as you dig deeper. The kind that can only be appreciated if shared, not secretly hidden, or fought over, bt shared. You can never own it, and yet feel like it belonged to you :)
What really awes me about science, is that it teaches you to appreciate not only what you know, but what you donot/cannot know given the resources.
there is so much that science has taught me, that I cannot compress it all in one blog. to me, true wealth is, that legacy, which can be passed on from generation to generation. Science, and the awe that it leaves with its beholder, is definitely something I want to pass on to my children. For as long as life can be, it is truly the breath-taking, awe-inspring movements, that life is "lived" in.
Amen.

Insignificant nothings.

I have been wanting to write this post for a while. Nothing really important. Its usually the small and trivial things that tend to stay with me as time passes by, it scares me sometimes, I donot want to miss the bigger picture. But I cant help remembering the things that I do :)
It was a sunday morning, on my way back from wegmans. Just one of those routine sundays, which I reserve for grocery shopping, laundry and other worldy duties. They actually make me feel good, gives me a sense of purpose. I really do feel like i am doing something, apart from whiling away time on the random pursuit of a phd which might eventually get me no where. Ok I digress. I was returning home in this cab and there is this small stream or rivulet which the cab usually passes by on the way back. Its a really nice neighbourhood, the ones that you would find in an enid blyton classic (yes i love the secret seven and famous five !), small houses with frontyards and picket fences, sometimes you might get a glimpse of a tiny tree house, little kids playing ball in the frontyard. The sound of water, a light breeze and laughter. You dont find those very often these days ! I was smiling quietly to myself as we passed by this house with a little girl and boy playing basket ball in the yard. They would have been around 5-7 yrs of age. As it often happens in that age, the ball seldom goes where you want it to (i find it kinda cute actually ;) and in this case the ball landed on the other side of the road near the stream. And the little girl stood looking at it , with a confused look, as if the ball had a mind of its own. At this point the cabbie stopped the car, I think both of us wanted to see what she would do next. Before she could run across, the little boy (her brother i presume) shouted out to her, telling her to not cross the road and he would get the ball for her. I found it so adorable, especially the way he looked out for her. At that age, crossing a busy road, is dangerous enough, for some one aged 7 and I am certain they had been advised against it, as evident from the scene. So the boy offering to do it, (yes doesnt exactly make it a huge sacrifice) but he knew that he did not want her to do it ! I loved seeing the way he was watching out for her, when the parents are not around. the boy displaying not affection but something much more than that, the need to protect his little sister, is not wat i expected to see considering he was just 7! Yes i think we learn to love quickly, and give it up easily too (in most cases for the wrong reasons!). I donot want to philosophise and neither do I think the boy is a knight in shining armour, bt yes, i donot believe that knights come in shining armours, they are mostly disguised in the small acts or things that are said, which one often fails to take note of.
I was a happy girl that day, and yes the world is a happy place to be in. wheeeeeeeee :D

25 random things

hmm saw this facebook tag.. and since its been a while i posted.. this gives me a good reason to break that gap..
1. I love Red... absolutely anything in Red would be grabbed by me.
2. I am not a very brand-conscious person.. as long as it fits the purpose i am not too concerned about who it is named after..
3. I am a complete sucker for books.. a bibliophile. I could sit down with a cup of coffee and a book any place, any time.
4. i love coffee. i am one of those weird ppl who can be both put to sleep or made to stay awake by a cup of coffee.
5. this is far more difficult than i thought it would be.
6. i love train-travelling in india.. the fact that i get to meet complete strangers , "hang-out" with them and actually get away wit having some fun.
7. i like talking to myself. i love the company unquestionably, and no strings attached. seriously its worth a try !
8. patrick dempsey is hot.
9. i love my mothers cooking. there is no substitute for it. may be its the louwe :P
10. i love random night walks. in fact thats how i got to know my best-friend cum boy.
11. i love to dream. be it day or night. one of the reasons i seldom get bored.
12. i have very few friends, bt ones that i can call anytime of the night or day, to ask the most hideously ridiculous questions.
13. as weird as it sounds, i love to see boy walk. its one of those few things i ve unconsciously loved(as of now.)
14. gosh i cant believe i still have 11 more to go !
15. i love chit-chatting with my dad. the most mundane topics turn out interesting.
16. i prefer the quiet to the fun and popular. their stories are so much more interesting.
17. i do late-nights a lot. and glad, boy does too. just cant imagine myself with a morning bird.
18. i love shopping for ear-rings. i never have enough ! i dont like to deck up much, but ear-rings are something i pick after considerable deliberation.
19. i donot believe in the concept of honeymoon. i love hanging out with boy, donot need a reason or an occasion.
20. i am reallly bad with directions. i cannot give the cabbie directions to my place from the department and know i never will, in the future.
21. some day i want to write a book.
22. nothing like a hard cider, or vodka-tonic, after a long week. do not have a thing for fancy drinks.
23. my latest craze is weight-loss(and for good reason too!;)
24. i find it difficult to study with out music.
25. as geeky as this sounds, i am glad this is The End. really need to get back to organometallics!

The post without a title .....

This post does not have a title. Not because I have run out of ideas or creative titles, but because not a single title I can think of, encompasses or represents what I am yet to say. Some times life just leaves you with spaces, and you realize you have no more colors to fill them with.
They say the most unadulterated form of love is that which a mother has for her child. They say that the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. and when that love becomes adulterated, the world gets shattered. Fair enough.
Success, I am told, is a culmination of several factors, like hard work, continued persistent effort, market forces, upbringing and cultural legacy. But really, it is nothing to do with these. Eventually it boils down to, whom you love and who you are loved by. Sounds corny isn't it ?
I know this man, who has worked day and night, not for days or weeks but for over 15 yrs, to provide for his family, his parents.. to give his children the best possible education, but more than providing them with the best opportunities, he has himself served as an example of continued dedication for a cause he believed in, his principles guiding the children unwaveringly through out their lives, seeing them through their ups and downs. He gave up his job, and career, to take care of his aging parents, back home. The transition proved more difficult than he thought, he learnt to give in, value his parent's sentiments more than what he stood for.
But life is seldom smooth,right? Just when you think things are going fine, life decided to give him the first and (probably) the last blow. It gave a whole new meaning to "parents" and made him question their "love" for him. He is still duty-bound, but defeat is just 'round the corner.
Where has he gone wrong, I cannot tell. Some times even the most perfectly fit jigsaw puzzles need to be scrambled, de-cluttered, to give way to new ones.
He is trying to move on, the past catches up at times and at other times, the burden becomes unbearable. I cannot tell you how much it pains me to see him through this. Not because he is in pain, but because life seems to have hit the totally wrong person this time. The math of it, is just above me.
I fervently hope, coz hope is all that I can do, hope that there is a new and a better meaning to this, the slate has been empty for too long, I hope the end, makes the means worthy.

Language as a barrier.... ?

In the past 23 yrs of my life, I have lived in 4 countries. I have friends with contrasting backgrounds, cultures and faiths. In fact when it comes to friendship, one's nationality or belief, hardly matters. At least in my case, what has mattered, is the chord I have been able to strike with the other half. Off late I have noticed that one of the main elements of an effective communication; the Language, has often been convoluted in its purpose for coming into being. Why would we need a language ? - so that we can convey our ideas effectively, most importantly, in order to communicate. However unfortunate as it may seem, many exploit the Language as a means to bond with people. As long as the other person understands you, your beliefs and there is some common understanding between two people, I do not see how either side's native language matters? But I have seen so many people who were otherwise nice / sensible (what ever you choose to call it), but when it comes to good friends, they would choose to be in the company of people who were only from a similar state/nation/city/(needless to say who shared the same native language) as they. I have been in the company of such people, and I find it intriguing, because at times, the only thing these folks share, is their language. Yes I agree, there are certain things peculiar to a certain language, things that lose their beauty/effect once translated. However I do not see how or why language, meant to be a bridge, is used to build fences. Sometimes its good to glorify your culture, your life-styles, however, when the same come in the way of your accepting others and their differences, it is time to move on. One's growth is often associated with academics/achievements, however I firmly believe that your growth as an individual, lies in these small issues that characterize you, beliefs that you stand up for, your principles/convictions and most importantly, your ability to accept people for what they are, rather than question their identity. Yes disagreements arise, not everyone might come up to your standards, not everyone might be able to appreciate your culture/history, as well as your fellow-men, however those friends are definitely worthy of you, who care for you despite these differences, be it cultural/belief-wise. It is easy to associate with people, who share a common background, not much of an effort is required to interact with such people, however when you are able to strike a chord with those from a different background than your own, I think it is important to cherish that relationship.
I am one of those few people who believe that differences can be used to bridge rather than break. After all isn't variety the spice of life! ;)

arbit expressions

sadness creeps in as imperceptibly as the dusk that fades into darkness, without even leaving a trace of its existence behind, and yet, as gradually as ever. do the final rays of dusk, carry any hope? or do they promise a false sense of hope? something that all of us need to move on. Is everything really what we choose to make out of it?
What happens if the boat sinks just when the shore comes into view? does that fall under success or failure? do varying shades of grey exist? Does there have to be joy behind every laugh? Why pay for fake flowers when we get real ones? May be the ever-lasting freshness of the fake ones (irrespective of how much ever fake they are) is appealing, real flowers will eventually wilt, and it will be time to move on again.
How ever fast you move, the past does catch up. Deeply-buried questions have an uncanny tendency of rising up at the most unexpected moments. A pleasing exterior but one which is shallow from within, is no different from a shadow. Acceptance is important, however, the truth can never be ignored for long, it does show up, and leave one stranded, yet, its a short road that takes one to the joys of being a bystander.