There come moments in life, when all you are left with, are questions. Questions that cannot be answered, those kind of questions that snap you out of reality, questions that not only make you think, but also look at life as an outsider. You see yourself walking, rather hurrying to the lab, worrying about your experiment, hoping against hope that it has atleast gone to a 40 % yield (atleast the 5 th time you set it up).... Sometimes, there is no emotion or feeling to describe what I feel, the undercurrent of thoughts flowing in my head, its not dejection, nor boredom, I would not even call it one of those philo moods. I am sure all of us have these moments, that pass by as suddenly as they come, and we are left wondering what we are doing whiling away time, and quickly put these moments behind us and get to "work".
I too have these moments, they generally come when i stand gazing at dusk, outside my window at the highway lights a few miles away, just when the contours of Leeds fade into the dimming light.
Sumtimes I wonder how it would have been if I were at the other side of those lights, the dark side of life. I wonder what people who are at the other side actually feel like, the so called outcasts, out-laws. What is life for them? Sumtimes, society pushes a person to such an extent that he's forced to retaliate, against the rising tide, and ceases to "belong". The picture is painted in even darker shades when he openly declares his indifference to society and her ways. But there are also cases where in the person is just born in the other side, for no fault of his/her. In fact it takes them a while to realise that they are meant to be the benchwarmers, like the watery trail of milk thats left behind, constantly reminding us, of what could happen if we are left behind in the race. These people then, either passively accept there "fate", some even go to the extent of using it to evoke sympathy, while some, fight back. There is also a lot that just fades away; unnoticed. Sometimes I donot know to which of these I belong.
At this point I must mention a particular instance I read in the book " a thousand suns" by dominique lapierre. The jailer is leading the criminal to the electric chair. He clamps the criminal to the chair and is just about to turn his back, when he catches a glimpse of the person's eyes. What he sees forces his to stop and ponder for a moment, questions his faith in his job, the entire judicial system. In those eyes, he doesnot see a confession, nor a refusal of the commited crime, no guilt nor a resignation. He sees eyes that smile back at him, not laugh, just a subtle smile, a smile that tells him, that beyond a certain point, none of us care. In fact, he would have confessed the crime, had it made you feel happier, he may even do the contrary, to satisfy his attorney. The point is, he doesnot care. To him it is immaterial which side he belongs, whether he belongs or not. A small doubt creeps into the jailer's mind. The system definitely has loop holes. But what it has done, is to take away a person's life, forcefully place him in a role he may or may not be worthy of (punishment), making a caricature out of him, pushing him through the cracks, and blaming him of having fallen between them.

Unfortunately, the moment has passed. I no longer know what i mean, so donot ask me! but......
am sure there are more to come....