sun....snow.. and some ramblings..

I haven't blogged for quite some time.. some things aren't worth writing, and some things are better not written.. some times i have learnt its better to keep ones thoughts to one self.. they have a way of getting diffused and appearing much more important than they really are, once noted. Its like giving them an identity, accepting that they are there...that they are a part of you....

As you may have guessed.. my thoughts fall in the second category.. things that i have been fearing and continue to fear.. unfortunately things that i have no control over... its quite practical to say, "then what is the point pondering over such things".. but alas the mind is never where the heart is !

Fears.. a word that is of a quintessential nature to the definition of a human... we not only have fears but also fear that making our fears evident would in turn expose our vulnerability to the outside world... weakness is what they call it.. and ofcourse most fears are irrational or revolve around things we would have no control over.. if they were so rational i am sure we would have been able to get rid of them, as easily as wrapping up a sudoku grid..! as you may have surmised, i have fears too like every one else out there... and the one nasty thing about fears is their habit of creeping up in the most unlikely of places, of slowly rising in magnitude upto a point when you feel your head could burst and the beans come spilling out.. and so i decided i may as well blog..!
Its definitely not a quick remedy nor is it even meant to serve that purpose.. but its just one way of accepting my fears, of accepting the "me" that houses these fears.. may be its the way i choose to be for the moment.. but i think the acceptance in itself, is one step forward.. !

Being ambitious myself, I have learnt to live in the future, the concept of present having vanished.. But this is something I have chosen for myself, goals that I have set, not in a mechanical sense, I still do continue to enjoy and take pleasure in my work, however, dreaming so much about the future, has ensued in me forgetting to live this moment.. now is the time spent in achieving something for "later".. I think this realization scares me.. I feel that some how I would end up fading away and go unnoticed. Not that I am paranoid about recognition, but the loss of a tiny drop from the large ocean is seldom noticed..

So there.. a part of the beans have been spilt... but I think I have learnt a lot after coming to Amsterdam.. from people, from their attitudes and from life in general.. Elucidation of this will take another blog !..