The post without a title .....

This post does not have a title. Not because I have run out of ideas or creative titles, but because not a single title I can think of, encompasses or represents what I am yet to say. Some times life just leaves you with spaces, and you realize you have no more colors to fill them with.
They say the most unadulterated form of love is that which a mother has for her child. They say that the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. and when that love becomes adulterated, the world gets shattered. Fair enough.
Success, I am told, is a culmination of several factors, like hard work, continued persistent effort, market forces, upbringing and cultural legacy. But really, it is nothing to do with these. Eventually it boils down to, whom you love and who you are loved by. Sounds corny isn't it ?
I know this man, who has worked day and night, not for days or weeks but for over 15 yrs, to provide for his family, his parents.. to give his children the best possible education, but more than providing them with the best opportunities, he has himself served as an example of continued dedication for a cause he believed in, his principles guiding the children unwaveringly through out their lives, seeing them through their ups and downs. He gave up his job, and career, to take care of his aging parents, back home. The transition proved more difficult than he thought, he learnt to give in, value his parent's sentiments more than what he stood for.
But life is seldom smooth,right? Just when you think things are going fine, life decided to give him the first and (probably) the last blow. It gave a whole new meaning to "parents" and made him question their "love" for him. He is still duty-bound, but defeat is just 'round the corner.
Where has he gone wrong, I cannot tell. Some times even the most perfectly fit jigsaw puzzles need to be scrambled, de-cluttered, to give way to new ones.
He is trying to move on, the past catches up at times and at other times, the burden becomes unbearable. I cannot tell you how much it pains me to see him through this. Not because he is in pain, but because life seems to have hit the totally wrong person this time. The math of it, is just above me.
I fervently hope, coz hope is all that I can do, hope that there is a new and a better meaning to this, the slate has been empty for too long, I hope the end, makes the means worthy.

Language as a barrier.... ?

In the past 23 yrs of my life, I have lived in 4 countries. I have friends with contrasting backgrounds, cultures and faiths. In fact when it comes to friendship, one's nationality or belief, hardly matters. At least in my case, what has mattered, is the chord I have been able to strike with the other half. Off late I have noticed that one of the main elements of an effective communication; the Language, has often been convoluted in its purpose for coming into being. Why would we need a language ? - so that we can convey our ideas effectively, most importantly, in order to communicate. However unfortunate as it may seem, many exploit the Language as a means to bond with people. As long as the other person understands you, your beliefs and there is some common understanding between two people, I do not see how either side's native language matters? But I have seen so many people who were otherwise nice / sensible (what ever you choose to call it), but when it comes to good friends, they would choose to be in the company of people who were only from a similar state/nation/city/(needless to say who shared the same native language) as they. I have been in the company of such people, and I find it intriguing, because at times, the only thing these folks share, is their language. Yes I agree, there are certain things peculiar to a certain language, things that lose their beauty/effect once translated. However I do not see how or why language, meant to be a bridge, is used to build fences. Sometimes its good to glorify your culture, your life-styles, however, when the same come in the way of your accepting others and their differences, it is time to move on. One's growth is often associated with academics/achievements, however I firmly believe that your growth as an individual, lies in these small issues that characterize you, beliefs that you stand up for, your principles/convictions and most importantly, your ability to accept people for what they are, rather than question their identity. Yes disagreements arise, not everyone might come up to your standards, not everyone might be able to appreciate your culture/history, as well as your fellow-men, however those friends are definitely worthy of you, who care for you despite these differences, be it cultural/belief-wise. It is easy to associate with people, who share a common background, not much of an effort is required to interact with such people, however when you are able to strike a chord with those from a different background than your own, I think it is important to cherish that relationship.
I am one of those few people who believe that differences can be used to bridge rather than break. After all isn't variety the spice of life! ;)

arbit expressions

sadness creeps in as imperceptibly as the dusk that fades into darkness, without even leaving a trace of its existence behind, and yet, as gradually as ever. do the final rays of dusk, carry any hope? or do they promise a false sense of hope? something that all of us need to move on. Is everything really what we choose to make out of it?
What happens if the boat sinks just when the shore comes into view? does that fall under success or failure? do varying shades of grey exist? Does there have to be joy behind every laugh? Why pay for fake flowers when we get real ones? May be the ever-lasting freshness of the fake ones (irrespective of how much ever fake they are) is appealing, real flowers will eventually wilt, and it will be time to move on again.
How ever fast you move, the past does catch up. Deeply-buried questions have an uncanny tendency of rising up at the most unexpected moments. A pleasing exterior but one which is shallow from within, is no different from a shadow. Acceptance is important, however, the truth can never be ignored for long, it does show up, and leave one stranded, yet, its a short road that takes one to the joys of being a bystander.

There is nothing like returning...

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered... I will definitely want to go back to leeds at some point in future..though there's no guarantee it would not have changed, however, I will still want to see if and how it has changed, and how my perspectives have changed over the years, it will make me conscious of the "growing up" process I guess, which as of now, seems very nebulous to me;).. That one year has taught me so much, I will want to take a walk down the memory lane in a truly physical sense. Its like the bystander watching himself take the course he once did, that eventually brought him to the spot hes now arrived at. Most of us like to carry the pleasant memories from our experiences, but I presume such a visit, would help me take a detached look at the reasons and the general process of change that took place with in me, which forms an elemental aspect of my identity, at the present.
The green meadow from my bedroom window, the fading highway lights in the distance, which at that point symbolised the contours of that which was known to me then, hyde park, the newspaper stand opposite the school of chemistry, and the walk to my favorite cafe, past the park.. all this forms a quintessential part of my time in leeds. But when I look back at it, there was some thing more to this, more than just these elements, I guess, its probably because all of them have seen me through my ups and downs, the best and the worst, the person in me that grew confident and independent, having this awareness of how being "me" has changed after the time spent in leeds.
Yes I think would echo that There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered... for isn't life all about the journey we take and the person we turn out to be when we think we have arrived at our destinations :)

Mind-blockers

Have you ever been faced with a situation where you get to know this person and gel in well as you dig deeper and deeper. And when everything is going smooth, and you actually want to take another step forward, there come path blockers !? Some trivial issue, that happens, starting as something small, but eventually ends up gnawing its way into a major chunk of your time?
This has happened with me, not once, but twice. And you actually begin to wonder, if the person is what you think they are, if its a one-way ticket you have got yourself into, or if the situation brings you together, but no amount of time/efforts can actually endow a future to the relationship?
Are these signs that are meant to be or, am I complicating it? As the music and lyrics song goes, I am unable to see the stars in the sky, they aren't shining bright enough and yet, I need a way back into love.
I am glad that I have two people whom I can share everything with, who know me in an unadulterated sense, that only those few special people can know you. The world and more importantly success, for me would not be the same if I did not have these two folks to share it with. I know that how much ever I want to be alone, at any point, I still secretly yearn for these two people to be with me, for a shoulder to lean on. I guess all of us are like that. I might want to be by myself to collect my thoughts, but once done, I will definitely want to share it with both of them. It helps me clear up, rejuvenate and most importantly, know that I am loved and missed.

One hot summer afternoon....

As I looked for means to kill time, I stumbled upon this blog titled “Regrets”, which seemed to arouse an interest in my philosophically bent, (and utterly bored mind). Unfortunately, sleep is something that tags along, on the mention of a humid, summer afty. However, sleep, in this case, had managed to completely evade the seeker, and it is, but unfortunate, that I have not been endowed with the talent of catnapping.

And so, as my hungry eyes, searched for anything soporific (if not intellectually stimultating!) they came across the book titled “Screw It, Lets do It !”. Ahaaa.. sounds like a definite good bye to my ever-so faithful ennui! Now this is when, esnips becomes a god-sent gift, for financially challenged students (saying students is not self-evident apparently!;) like me, definitely, do not consider “buying” a plausible circumstance;) (who says knowledge is free!?)

For those ignorants ! (yes I am exercising my right to freedom of speech;), I am actually quite tempted to say “Hail ye ignorants!”,(see how bored one can get ?!), however, I refrain, for saying so, would provide the nicest possible excuse for You to yescape (in true vivek ishtyle, although am too lazy to type so many a’s :P). Ok, cutting short the circuitous prose, the author of this book happens to be Richard Branson, the founder of the Virgin Group (Virgin airlines, rail, mobile and so on… ).

Having been almost half-way through the book, I can assure you,that the book does not add on to the pile of self-improvement prophecies published everyday (that sooo often claim to be otherwise, in fact I have heard they are coming up with a How To Sleep while watching your Eyelids, one as well)…. Fortunately, Richard does not tell his readers what to do, BUT what has worked for him. He also makes it quite clear that he’s been lucky a couple of times, in his most life-threatening endeavours.. where most of the other authors rule out the possibility of luck and wholly focus on hard work, I appreciate the fact that Richard, does accept, not all is in our hands.

Calculative risks, challenges, responsibilities, smart planning and living life to the fullest, are some things I have picked up from this book. Regrets, ofcourse, an essential part of life, something that reminds us of what all we might have lost, if we had not regretted the past and treated the present as a “present” !;)

But the most important thing I have picked up from this book, is none of the above.

One of the reasons I foresee my future in a pharma firm (JUST one of the reasons !), is that we often need something tangible , to assess our worth, and ofcourse, for personal satisfaction as well. Sometimes, the quest for truth or knowledge is JUST not enough. I agree that an academic career pursuing research is very intellectually rewarding, but at the end of a tiresome day, with nothing worthy to be titled “RESULTS”, phrases like “quest for truth”, remain exactly that ; mere phrases. And so I thought, that a position as a research scientist in a pharma, would not only allow me to carry on research(commercial, but so what?), but provide a financial tangibility to the job. Before you mistake this as a hidden passion for money-making, I must tell you I have never really had any inclination towards making fortunes, nor has it ever thrilled me. However, it would just form a good take home package, when on those blue days, I have nothing to derive from the job.

Richard however, has shattered all such ideas. “If something stops being fun, donot do it anymore!”, seems to be the explicitly highlighted motto of his book. The void created by any activity can never be filled in by “money”, it is something that just comes along, but not, something one must seek, as a sole source of contentment. Money-seekers, never reach their destinations ! I have learnt to segregate, the remuneration, from what I would love to do, irrespective of what I would get back. And neither does money add purpose or meaning to what we do. It IS purchasing power, but never something to be purchased, in return for ones contentment and self-deprivation.

The prospect of joining a pharma still interests me, but one of the reasons for doing so has now ceased to exist !

Majority Wins !

I have been studying barrons for the gre exam coming up in November. Its quite strange, but I have not been able to find the word “real” in barrons, nor “reality”.

I could call this jet lag, or just a compulsive need to pen down my thoughts, but the truth remains, that barrons has decided to omit the word “real” from their word list. I presume this is because, anyone would knw what real or reality meant or atleast in the context they could be used. But considering my modest command over English language, I desire to knw what exactly does real mean? Something that exists? Ahh.. I have a short incident or rather a projection of my mind, to quote regarding “things that exist” :D

I enter a restaurant with a friend and seek a table for two. As we sit chit-chatting, waiting for our coffee to be served, I look across my friend, at a table behind her. There is a beautiful vase placed at the center of this table, the painting on the vase somehow catches my eye. It has an abstract painting on its circular surface, yet, it had this power to make you look at it for a second time, forcing you to think about what it resembled. It was thought-provoking, at the same time, blended well with the aura prevailing in the restaurant. I asked my friend to have a look at it while I summoned the waiter to ask him how about our coffee. To my surprise my friend asked me which vase I was talking about. I again pointed it out to her, and somehow, it looked like it was invisible. I tried to assure my friend that she needed to get her eyes checked. However, she remained unconvinced and asked the waiter for his opinion of the vase, and to my astonishment, the waiter, too, seemed to have the same response as my friend. My curiosity was piqued, and I summoned the restaurant manager, to enquire about the vase. He, too, refused to acknowledge the presence of the vase. I put it this way, as I still believe that the vase was present. Yet, what seemed so real, so physical, to me, was non-existent to everyone else.

I did not want to look like my mind had gone for a toss, so I resorted to sipping my coffee in silence. But my mind was in turmoil and on the way back, I decided to tip over the vase. Surely no one could miss the noise it makes, on hitting the ground. However, not a single eye in the restaurant, turned to look at what I had done, or the source of the noise.

Isnt it strange? That vase was and still continues to remain my favourite. But more importantly, I have come to accept the fact that, reality and truth, are restricted to individual perspective. Each one of us lives in our own circle of reality. The degree of reality in anything is governed by how many actually believe that reality. The same goes with truth. In some cases, there is a scientific explanation to supplant each ones reality. For instance, in the case of color-blindness, those afflicted with this disorder (I donot like calling it a disorder- lets just call it a “frame-shift reality”!!) cannot perceive the colors red and green in the rainbow. They donot see any difference between the two colors, while for “ordinary” people like us, these are two of the most eye-catching colors of the rainbow. For the former, these are just two names, two words, that lack any sense or a mental picture. However, in this case science has an explanation for this difference. The same amount of truth that exists in my perception of these two colors, exists, in their non-existence. I find this fascinating and yet intriguing! When something is real, it is only because some else’s reality coincides with ours. Unfortunately this is one such debate that is governed by the number of supporters for each side! Majority ofcourse wins!

But does that mean that the vase has ceased to exist for me... naaaaaaaaaaaaah. I just pity the rest of them, for missing out on one of the most beautiful pieces of artefact man has created. And I walk out of the restaurant believing, “Reality and not beauty-lies in the beholders eye!”.

sun....snow.. and some ramblings..

I haven't blogged for quite some time.. some things aren't worth writing, and some things are better not written.. some times i have learnt its better to keep ones thoughts to one self.. they have a way of getting diffused and appearing much more important than they really are, once noted. Its like giving them an identity, accepting that they are there...that they are a part of you....

As you may have guessed.. my thoughts fall in the second category.. things that i have been fearing and continue to fear.. unfortunately things that i have no control over... its quite practical to say, "then what is the point pondering over such things".. but alas the mind is never where the heart is !

Fears.. a word that is of a quintessential nature to the definition of a human... we not only have fears but also fear that making our fears evident would in turn expose our vulnerability to the outside world... weakness is what they call it.. and ofcourse most fears are irrational or revolve around things we would have no control over.. if they were so rational i am sure we would have been able to get rid of them, as easily as wrapping up a sudoku grid..! as you may have surmised, i have fears too like every one else out there... and the one nasty thing about fears is their habit of creeping up in the most unlikely of places, of slowly rising in magnitude upto a point when you feel your head could burst and the beans come spilling out.. and so i decided i may as well blog..!
Its definitely not a quick remedy nor is it even meant to serve that purpose.. but its just one way of accepting my fears, of accepting the "me" that houses these fears.. may be its the way i choose to be for the moment.. but i think the acceptance in itself, is one step forward.. !

Being ambitious myself, I have learnt to live in the future, the concept of present having vanished.. But this is something I have chosen for myself, goals that I have set, not in a mechanical sense, I still do continue to enjoy and take pleasure in my work, however, dreaming so much about the future, has ensued in me forgetting to live this moment.. now is the time spent in achieving something for "later".. I think this realization scares me.. I feel that some how I would end up fading away and go unnoticed. Not that I am paranoid about recognition, but the loss of a tiny drop from the large ocean is seldom noticed..

So there.. a part of the beans have been spilt... but I think I have learnt a lot after coming to Amsterdam.. from people, from their attitudes and from life in general.. Elucidation of this will take another blog !..