the mending wall.

I have been thinking about it for a while. Initially it was intriguing, then it just got tiring and now I know I that I might have to face it everyday, so I am slowly learning to ignore it.

I find people very interesting, they have managed to sustain my interest for the past two decades.
When I say people, I am not talking about the ones, that are popular or charming, or the ones who's lives unfold conspicuously, to be watched by the rest of us. I am talking of those, who take great pains, go to great extents, to with-hold their true selves. In the game of hide and seek, the seeker always goes for the hidden person, the game does not end till the latter has been revealed; never mind even if 9 out of ten people have come out in the open; the seeker still pursues the missing one. I think its inherent human nature, to want to know, to dig till you uncover that which has managed to successfully elude you for so long.
But I dig for different reasons - I am not as interested in what it is that is being hidden, as much as why it is being hidden. Does it reflect something about the individual, they are afraid might tarnish their image, is it fear from having to confront demons from the past , is it because they fear that it might present a less-likeable side to their character? (rather what is perceived as their character). I can never say which one of these it is.
But it does tell us that we build our own barriers, doesn't it ? We build those fences, then sit tight and wonder, why no one's getting through. We fear that if we break those fences, no one would be interested in coming through. Then where would that leave us, confirming our biggest fears and insecurities. Instead, we choose to not give anyone a chance, so that even if some one did care enough to make a stop, he/she would see the clear sign, and move on.
I know this for sure, coz I have been there, at one point, I refused to move outside my comfort zone, which included just me, I got away with it, convincing myself that I was happy. I donot exactly remember if I was happy or not, but I can say for sure, that I wasnt confident. Confident that I would be able to get across to people, that I could make some one care for me, like I cared for them. I feared that it might end up a one-way ticket and all I would have left with me were regrets.
But then, I went to this summer camp, and things changed. I met people, who did not seem to care, who constantly moved out of their comfort zones, by that, I mean who constantly made a fool of themselves. Eventually, all that everyone remembered was that it was fun. Those who passed judgments were always those who remained on the by-lanes; never a part of anything.
Now I am a different person. I acknowledge the fact that I like to be liked, that there will always be people who judge you, for what you are and for what you are NOT. No matter what anyone says or thinks, my best judge is me alone, no one knows me better than I do. I might play games with myself, but deep down, I know who I am. I am still learning, to walk like no one's watching, sing like no one's listening, for, the ones that hold up to listen, are the ones you need not worry about. They will always be there ;)
The barrier is still there, though I have managed to give it a good shake, cracking it up. Soon its gonna come crumbling down.. ye baby !
Reminds me of one of my fav poems by robert frost;

"Before I built a wall I'd ask to know
What I was walling in or walling out,
And to whom I was like to give offence.
Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That wants it down.' I could say 'Elves' to him,
But it's not elves exactly, and I'd rather
He said it for himself. I see him there
Bringing a stone grasped firmly by the top
In each hand, like an old-stone savage armed.
He moves in darkness as it seems to me~
Not of woods only and the shade of trees.
He will not go behind his father's saying,
And he likes having thought of it so well
He says again, "Good fences make good neighbors."

sr